Frankenburger Script

Phillip Brunner
April 3, 2008
Prof. Botting

Script

Cast:  

• Mad Scientist (MS)
• His Assistant, Zhivago(Z)
• “The Monster” also known as the King from Burger King (King)
• Ronald McDonald (R)
• TV Voice (TV)
• News Anchor 1, Judy (NA 1)
• News Anchor 2, Rober(t) (NA 2)
• Reporter in the Field, Mary Shelley (RiF)
• Prof. I.M. Creepy (IM)
• Mob Member (MM)

Scene 1: The Creation of a Monster

Setting: Mad scientist and his assistant in his lab, dark lighting, creepy orchestral accompaniment. King lying on table with sheet over him.

MS: Quickly, Zhivago, prepare for the experiment. It is time for my creation to riseeeee!!!! (evil cackling sound effect). Soon, I shall be known the world over for creating life itself; no longer will nature alone have a tyrannical hold on this awesome power. Are you ready, Zhivago?

Z: Yes, sir. All is ready.

MS: Then press the button and let my creation riseeeeee (evil cackling sound effect)

(Z presses button…nothing happens…again…nothing happens…again…nothing happens)

MS:  Zhivago, why is my creation not risinggggg (evil cackling sound effect)? Check the switches and try again.

(Zhivago bangs on the contraption a few times and presses the button once more…nothing. Furious panicked button pressing ensues.)

MS: You imbecile!! All my work has come to nothing. Close up the lab; I must recover from these setbacks you have caused me.

Scene 2: First Sight

Setting: Mad Scientist’s unlit bedroom. MS sound asleep.

(Door creaks open…massive shadow appears over MS’s bed. Perspective from MS’s head…eyes open to see the King staring down at him).

MS: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(MS starts from his bed in Buzz Lightyear pajamas screaming with his hands over his head. Hysterical runs into wall instead of door… backs up, makes sure he’s ok, resumes screaming with hands over his head, runs out of room. Camera pans to King looking quizzical).

Scene 3: Reaction to King

Setting: Television news set.

TV:  Tonight on Action News at 11. A new monster is terrorizing Super City. What local residents have seen and why Batman hasn’t intervened. (Voiced over the Stephen Colbert intro music).

NA 1: Good evening. Tonight there are reports that an unidentified monstrosity in terrorizing the residents of Super City. Sightings describe a man with royal garb, a massive head, and a gigantic gold crown who comes up to their bedroom windows, knocks on the door, and just keeps on staring. This eyewitness video, exclusively obtained by Action News, is the first visual confirmation that the monster does indeed exist.

(Cut to video report…Camera on a bedroom window…massive head comes into view, knocks, resident jolts awake…screams in same manner as mad scientist, hits wall, resets, runs out screaming…King stands at window looking quizzical again).

NA 2: Jeez, Judy, that is just hard to watch. We sent our reporter in the field, Mary Shelley, out to gauge local residents reactions to this latest civic outrage. Mary, what are the residents of Super City saying?

RiF: Well, Robert

NA 2: Excuse me, Mary, that’s pronounced Rober(t) (like Colbert).

Rif: I’m sorry, Robert, what was that? There was some static in the mike.

NA 2: (blood pressure rising) It’s pronounced Roberrrrrrr. That’s Roberrrrr. Not Robert. Now if we could have some reporting please.

Rif: Absolutely, Roberrrr. Now, I’ve been hitting the pavement all day getting citizens’ reactions to this latest civic outrage. Most citizens are locking their doors and putting shutters over their window. Rumors keep circulating that this monster could possibly be an artificial creation. I spoke with one renowned professor, I.M. Creepy, who had some theories on the subject.

IM: Well, Mary, it would seem that this monster’s reign of terror is vengeance from an angry God for taking the power to create life into our own hands. This raises profound metaphysical, moral, and philosophical problems with which we will have to contend with like what is our moral burden to this monster, how intelligent is it, can it be a contributing member to society, if indeed this monster was artificially created how is its psyche a reflection of its creator’s own psyche

(Pan to Mary asleep and drooling…show passage of time through light and shadow)

IM: …what is its favorite color, does it have a favorite bedtime story, does it prefer Coke or Coke Zero, did it ever want to be an astronaut growing up, did it ever wish to stand at the bow of a boat and go “I’m King of the world” like Leo did in Titanic? We just don’t know the answers yet to these vital questions.

(IM turns and looks at Mary expectantly. After a period of fifteen seconds, she starts awake and beings her lines).

Mary: Well, thank you Professor I.M. Creepy for that illuminating insight into the monster now lurking somewhere in Super City. Back to you in the studios, Roberrrrr.

NA 2: Thank you Mary for that illuminating insight into the monster now lurking somewhere in Super City. (Pan to NA 1 looking confused at NA 2 for his stealing of the lines). We’re going to take a brief commercial break, but don’t touch that dial. We’ll be right back to examine other pressing Super City issues like whether the mayor has a hairpiece.

(Pan out no sound. NA 2 takes off his wig. Fade to black).

Scene 4: Solitary King

(Beautiful sunny day on a hill with a lake in the backdrop. Zoom in on the King on the hill reading the Once and Future King. Cue visible sigh with shoulder heave from the King. Picks up one of those giant pencils you get at museums and begins to write in his journal. )

King: (Writing) I don’t understand why everyone runs from me…etc…

(Enter Ronald McDonald. Cue “I Believe in Miracles” and Ronald prancing among a tall field (the cliché happy image) with the flashes of the King staring in awe). Ronald and the King begin throwing flower petals into the water. Once they run out they turn to gradually bigger and bigger rocks. Finally, it’s only Ronald and the King. The King, thinking himself hilarious, tosses Ronald into the lake, where he promptly drowns. Pan to the King becoming very sad and upset.)

Scene 5: King on the Run

Setting: TV Studio and Forest

TV Voice: We bring you this late-breaking update from Action News. (Colbert music cutting to NA 2 clutching his ear piece with one hand)

NA 2: Good afternoon, Super City. We bring you this late-breaking update from Action News (Pan to NA 1 looking confusedly at NA 2). We have received reports that the monster has been found and been surrounded by a mob of angry, infuriated, incensed, irate, irrational, illogical, inconceivable, irreverent Super City residents following yesterday’s shocking drowning of beloved Super City clown man Ronald McDonald. An eyewitness placed the monster at the scene and the mob, so heartbroken at the loss of an icon, has decided not to wait for the courts of law to bring this renegade to justice. Our very own Mary Shelley is live at the scene. Take it away Mary.

RiF: Thanks, Roberrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, I am live at this chaotic scene where the monster appears to be. Mob members believe they have the monsters surrounded. I’ll see if I can flag one of them down for us to speak to. Excuse me sir…

MM: Not now chief, I’m in the zone.

RiF: Well, Roberrrrr it seems the mob members are far too busy. Why don’t we just look on and observe the scene.

(Mob surrounds camping tent but keeps their distance).

MM: Alright monster come out with your hands out and don’t try to pull any funny business.

(King slowly emerges from tent downcast. Mob members begin to swarm around King when all of a sudden…)

King: WAIT A SECOND!!! I DESERVE A HOT JUICY BURGER!!!! (mob muttering confusedly). And do you (points) and you (points again). WE ALL DESERVE HOT JUICY BURGERS (mob breaks into wild cheers and hoists King up onto their shoulders; carry King away as scene fades to black).

Scene 6: A Kingly Success

(Cue Burger King scene with King behind the counter taking orders. Have every customer say something along the lines of “Thanks, King” or “You’re the Greatest King” and a little kid who gives his order and says “When I grow up, I want to be just like you King.” Tranquil happy music needed.)

Narrator: So that ends our charming tale. How can a monster find acceptance you ask? By making the best damn burgers this side of the Mississippi.

(Credits. Filming bloopers)